the only thing that can save you is self-respect. But when you’re lacking - well that sucks now doesn’t it.
It’s always nice to know that there are people out there who genuinely care about you. I guess that stepping into these new shoes may not have necessarily changed my relationships with people, but rather my perspectives. I’m over-thinking again - time to sleep.
Some things in life were just not meant to be - the challenge is having to accept that.
So if you do happen to come across this, do not think anything of it. Like I said, this post is meant for me to be able to relieve some of this mounting pressure off my chest.
These past few weeks here have been living hell. Although it may seem that my stresses all originate from academic matters (which to an extent, is very much true), there’s much more to that - and that’s what people don’t see.
In the process of dealing with what’s happened, I have witnessed what I have become - and it scares me. Oh, it scares me so much.
I’ve become a monster. A greedy, competitive, and overly ambitious fiend that will tear down walls and cities to get to where she wants to get. I’ll devise a path, and I’ll take it - working tirelessly until that desired result is achieved. And if I were to fall off that path by the slightest deviation? I’ll bash on myself - because who else is there to blame? It’s as if I am made of two people - the worker who’ll do whatever she can to please, and the dictator who’ll have it no other way.
All these small failures, if you look at them from an outside perspective, are minute. They’re trivial and mean absolutely nothing in the long run. They don’t make me any less of a person, and they don’t change the way people see and treat me. But I have escalated them to such unnecessary levels - and I don’t even know why. It’s like one moment, I reach an epiphany and grasp the bigger picture. And the next, I’m back at it - unable to let go of the past and how I have failed.
Everyone already knows, I overthink things. I can’t make decisions because I fear how it will affect my future. But goddamnit Lucia, you say you want to live a little, but you stop yourself from enjoying yourself. Your guard is so damn high, that you let no one in. You have secrets that absolutely no one knows about, not even your own family. But what good does that do for you?
What’s worse, is that I broke our promise. The most important promise that I have ever swore, with one of the most important figures in my life. As you watch over me, tell me, how disappointed are you?
Why is it such a struggle for me to let things go? Why is it such a struggle to let my guard down? Why can’t I just be grateful for what I have, who I am, and what I HAVE accomplished? Why can’t I understand that failures will build my character more than success ever could?
Why can’t that stupid dictator be proud of her hardest worker?
Because it’s much easier said than done.
I think it’s about time that I start using Tumblr again
And because I haven’t written a post in FOREVER, I decided just to jot some things down that have happened to me recently.
Well Sophomore Year is amazing, already. I love my room, I love my roommate, I love this wide, open space. I love my friends from previous years, and I love meeting new ones every day. Yes, the classes are definitely challenging - not to mention that it is my first time taking 4 classes in one quarter! And they’re hard courses too including two labs… but I will survive!
I have two adorable mentees, my two committees in SWC are engaging in exciting projects. I got a research position at this notable cancer lab at UCLA, and I get to work under a super friendly and informative graduate student. Oh, and though it was a really last minute decision (thanks Kathy), I auditioned for a dance team at my school… and made it! Our first performance is Prelude in NorCal - so this is some serious business.
There’s more, but I gots to study. I’m excited, but I have to be prepared so that I don’t get buried.
I didn’t even notice the scars at first glance…
The ‘Napalm Girl’, 40 years later
Joe McNally, who was commissioned by LIFE magazine to find and photograph subjects of Pulitzer Prize winning photos, shot Kim Phuc – the girl running from an airborne attack in this devastatingly iconic shot during the Vietnam War.
The original photo was taken by AP photographer Nick Ut, and turned Kim into a propaganda tool for the anti-war movement. Joe had the privilege of meeting and photographing Kim, who had recently given birth to her newborn son. Joe knew to treat the situation with care, since showcasing her scars from the napalm burn was significant.
“For me, doing this assignment reconfirmed so many things I’ve always believed about photography,” says Joe in his blog post “On a Road, 40 Years Ago“. “That photo made on that horrible day was made in less than a second. Yet a lifetime spun on its power. With so many photographs being taken everywhere, easily, and thoughtlessly, it’s easy to forget how powerful they can be, and occasionally are.” (via)
The life of a private doctor is crazy! I just typed up an 8 page review of my experience from today - which I would have shared on Tumblr if it weren’t for patient confidentiality. I’m exhausted and I wasn’t even the one making diagnostics. :O
Although I was introduced to the many hardships of medicine (yes, mainly involving politics and health care), I’m still more than ever committed to pursuing a career in the field.
Work hard! Even if that means 20 hours a week in the research lab…
- Got to see both Jocelyn and Ryan today - basically two of my all-time favorite people.
- Had a voucher from Southwest that I had to use up before the end of October, so I booked tickets to UW!
- Talked with the moms - now planning a trip to Taiwan with Jocelyn for Winter Break!! And better yet, during New Years!
- It seems like I forgot how to pack… that or I just really, really don’t want to.
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
my god I hated this song until I heard him sing it
Christine Ha, blind Master Chef contestant, prepares Vietnamese style catfish.