It’s always nice to know that there are people out there who genuinely care about you. I guess that stepping into these new shoes may not have necessarily changed my relationships with people, but rather my perspectives. I’m over-thinking again - time to sleep.
So if you do happen to come across this, do not think anything of it. Like I said, this post is meant for me to be able to relieve some of this mounting pressure off my chest.
These past few weeks here have been living hell. Although it may seem that my stresses all originate from academic matters (which to an extent, is very much true), there’s much more to that - and that’s what people don’t see.
In the process of dealing with what’s happened, I have witnessed what I have become - and it scares me. Oh, it scares me so much.
I’ve become a monster. A greedy, competitive, and overly ambitious fiend that will tear down walls and cities to get to where she wants to get. I’ll devise a path, and I’ll take it - working tirelessly until that desired result is achieved. And if I were to fall off that path by the slightest deviation? I’ll bash on myself - because who else is there to blame? It’s as if I am made of two people - the worker who’ll do whatever she can to please, and the dictator who’ll have it no other way.
All these small failures, if you look at them from an outside perspective, are minute. They’re trivial and mean absolutely nothing in the long run. They don’t make me any less of a person, and they don’t change the way people see and treat me. But I have escalated them to such unnecessary levels - and I don’t even know why. It’s like one moment, I reach an epiphany and grasp the bigger picture. And the next, I’m back at it - unable to let go of the past and how I have failed.
Everyone already knows, I overthink things. I can’t make decisions because I fear how it will affect my future. But goddamnit Lucia, you say you want to live a little, but you stop yourself from enjoying yourself. Your guard is so damn high, that you let no one in. You have secrets that absolutely no one knows about, not even your own family. But what good does that do for you?
What’s worse, is that I broke our promise. The most important promise that I have ever swore, with one of the most important figures in my life. As you watch over me, tell me, how disappointed are you?
Why is it such a struggle for me to let things go? Why is it such a struggle to let my guard down? Why can’t I just be grateful for what I have, who I am, and what I HAVE accomplished? Why can’t I understand that failures will build my character more than success ever could?
Why can’t that stupid dictator be proud of her hardest worker?
And because I haven’t written a post in FOREVER, I decided just to jot some things down that have happened to me recently.
Well Sophomore Year is amazing, already. I love my room, I love my roommate, I love this wide, open space. I love my friends from previous years, and I love meeting new ones every day. Yes, the classes are definitely challenging - not to mention that it is my first time taking 4 classes in one quarter! And they’re hard courses too including two labs… but I will survive!
I have two adorable mentees, my two committees in SWC are engaging in exciting projects. I got a research position at this notable cancer lab at UCLA, and I get to work under a super friendly and informative graduate student. Oh, and though it was a really last minute decision (thanks Kathy), I auditioned for a dance team at my school… and made it! Our first performance is Prelude in NorCal - so this is some serious business.
There’s more, but I gots to study. I’m excited, but I have to be prepared so that I don’t get buried.
The life of a private doctor is crazy! I just typed up an 8 page review of my experience from today - which I would have shared on Tumblr if it weren’t for patient confidentiality. I’m exhausted and I wasn’t even the one making diagnostics. :O
Although I was introduced to the many hardships of medicine (yes, mainly involving politics and health care), I’m still more than ever committed to pursuing a career in the field.
Work hard! Even if that means 20 hours a week in the research lab…
This morning I agreed to accompany my mom to the Chinese consulate in SF so she could deliver some official forms for my grandpa. Well it turned out we were short of the necessary papers and procedures, and wouldn’t be able to apply that very day. Good - the line was fricken’ long anyways. My mom then said since we’re in the city anyways why not roam around?
And roam around we did. Basically here’s my haul from today:
GUILTY. And then funny thing was - I wasn’t pestering my mom to make these purchases. Instead, she was encouraging me to add “these essentials” to my wardrobe. She, by the way, has developed an amazing sense of style which I owe to my influence. So yes, now I have three cardigans (all different cuts), a casual blazer, a graphic tee and blouse, a body-con dress, a tight skirt, a printed scarf, and a crap load of random stuff from Daiso.
We then met up with Stephanie and Marty (my mom’s good friends who I have known, and have respected, for the majority of my life), and ate at the Strait Cafe which rests on the top floor of the Westfield Mall.
Delicious. Over dinner, we had a nice and enlightening conversation - which made me, again, really appreciate what I have. Parenting is such an important factor, and has a profound effect not just on the generation directly below you, but on the progress of society as a whole. The world does not revolve anyone and it’s rather disheartening to believe that there are still people out there who can not accept that fact. We ended up sitting in that restaurant for a whooping three hours (possibly four?).
As we were separating ways, Stephanie handed me a bag which I assured her wasn’t mine. She said it was my belated birthday gift. And just like that, my first anything from Uniqlo.
I am so privileged, and truthfully - I don’t deserve any of this. Man, I probably do seem like a spoiled brat.
But the real glory of the day wasn’t the mass bringing in of material goods, but rather the quality time I got to spend with my mom. I’m going to miss home. Sometimes friends can let you down, but family will always be there.
Today was indescribable, but I'll do my best anyway
Woke up this morning after having subsequent dreams of unprotected ski lifts carrying me up 14,000 feet into the air… not too pleasant of a thought. After having a delicious Asian breakfast (definitely a favorite of mine) and a nice Caramel Macchiato, my brother and I embarked to Watsonville for our long awaited adventure. I remember specifically my brother turning to me and casually saying, “Time to jump off a plane.”
Surprisingly, the jump actually wasn’t that scary at all. Sort of like Drop Zone at Great America… just much, much higher. I don’t know, try it for yourself. The best thing is that I have the whole thing on tape, so I’m able to relive the moment over and over.
It was a birthday gift for both of us - a very memorable one indeed. After returning home, I forced myself to get back on track for Insanity. Did my Fit Test along with today’s video. Let’s just say after an injury along with the fact that I just jumped out of a plane, the exercises weren’t as easy as I hoped they’d be. BUT NONETHELESS - I improved greatly! Like sh** dude, I was doing push-up jacks for days (not really). My mom also helped with body measurements, and I’m proud to say that I am rightfully losing inches! And with that, I raise my precious middle finger to the scale.
Then my family went to a little sushi restaurant - quite literally “a hole in the wall” - in Los Gatos called ‘Sushi on the Run.’ There’s only about 8 seats inside, but the restaurant always has a consistent line. It’s pretty remarkable! The sushi chef and his assistant remembered us from our last visit with my cousin and uncle, and how we managed to devour $$$$$ of sushi. In fact, when he handed us our check, he said you guys are $100 too low. What can I say, my family and I love our sushi!
Strangely, my brother was carrying his huge backpack around, even into this tiny ass restaurant. I asked him why, but he just said he had somewhere to go afterwards… I didn’t really think much about it. But then at the table, he whipped out this tiny green bag and wished me a happy birthday (he’s leaving to Turkey this Friday). I looked inside, and (I guess I already ruined the suspense with the post below) opened a box to reveal my much desired Michael Kors watch! If you wouldn’t have known otherwise - MY BROTHER JUST DROPPED $250 FOR ME. Basically, my heart dropped twice today.
Then came home, and showed the video footage and photos to my mother. It looked like she was sort of living the moment with us, jumping and cheering all excitedly. She’s adorable. Headed over to Kristen’s and watched “Never Say Never” (again) with Erin, Kristen, Michelle. Honestly, it’s just so nice to be in the same room with them (even if it meant watching Armadillo videos….)
I know it really sounds like I’m a spoiled brat. And I’ll admit it - I feel like one too right now. But you can’t blame me for being surrounded by such grace. My family and friends have given me so much strength, love, and encouragement all my life, and it’s unfortunate to think that there have been moments where I overlook that. My family is undeniably, more than I can ever ask for - a group of people who continually inspire me to really focus on progress, on improvement. To see past the obvious, and seek something more challenging, yet with greater rewards. To live for others while maintaining that important sense of self. These people are… I guess, simply amazing. And I couldn’t love them more.
With much disappointment, I will be skipping my insanity workout today :( Only because yesterday was supposed to be my “rest day”, but instead I ran 6 miles with my brother and pulled something in my foot. My weak ass, unstable foot. Hopefully I can sneak in two workouts before (maybe after) SKYDIVING TOMORROW!
My conversation with a Yale grad. He was accepted to every Ivy League, and is currently at one of the top occupations in Microsoft.
Him:I know right now, everything seems so unfair. You need to study, all to get compared with other people. Your future is dependent mostly on whether you go to this school, major in this thing, receive this much money, or get this job. I know. I was there, I was you. Studying my ass off for an easier life. You're told that everything right now is the most important, that you need to get As, go to a great college, have an amazing job, generate immense revenue, therefore become happy. But, there's just on thing that I failed to understand. And let me tell you, there are barely any things that I do not understand. Yet, I have no idea why I'm not happy. From a young age, you're told to take these steps and if you succeed, you'll reach happiness. It's not true. I've done every step every mother would tell her child to do, to become, but here I am, unhappy. After many years of trying to find where I went wrong, I realized that I had been looking in the completely wrong place.
Me:Then where do you look?
Him:At your friends. Your relationships. Your family. Your coworkers, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your social life. Many of the richest men in the world aren't happy, why? Because they spent all their lives trying to achieve happiness in the wrong place. You have a ton of money, great. But in the end, we're all sitting in our rocking chairs, and nobody cares who had the most money or who went to the best college. It's about who had the most fun. Who had the most people to look after them, who had the most to look after. The happiest are the ones that have people to call in times of trouble, the ones that had the time to spend with their family and feel all that love. That's what people lack! Love. When you're on your deathbed, everything doesn't matter anymore you see. You'd want people that love you to be around you, to be comforting you, to tell you about all the great things you did for people. You don't want to be alone, with what? A degree? Cash that will never be used? Nobody ever says "wow, I went to a great college and therefore I'm satisfied" in the end. Only the lucky ones get to say "wow, I was surrounded by love my whole life. My time on this earth was beautiful."
Him:But you know, I'm not telling you not to get into a great college or not to do any of the things society tells you to. Go for it, it pays off! It doesn't give you happiness but it takes a lot of stress off your shoulders. All I'm saying is don't make it your everything. If you don't get in somewhere good, don't stress about it. As long as you're okay with the people around you, you're going to be fine. I'm sure of it. Priorities change in the end. We're only people.