In the last two weeks, I’ve witnessed my world crash down right in front of my eyes. My family is in a mess right now, my grades are plummeting, my body is failing, and I just can’t seem to find a break. I come home everyday to the tears of my mother and agonizing cries of why is everyone I love leaving me?- How does seeing your own mom in that state NOT make you want to jump off the roof? And you know what sucks even more? I can’t do shit, because obviously I’m not going to find a cure for cancer anytime soon. All I can do is promise her that I’ll continue to work harder to make her proud and not have to worry about me. Even though she didn’t say it directly, that includes managing good grades. And when I say good, I mean… good.
Hopefully that explains why lately I’ve been sleeping/dozing off in class a lot while also reacting more dramatically to grades. On top of school, my sat scores were a fat disappointment, and now my future seems a lot hazier (I know I shouldn’t say that, but come on. I’m still a little junior lost in this big world). Man, it sucks because it’s not like I’m not trying. I mean, I really am. In fact I’m trying even harder than before. But I guess sometimes hard work just doesn’t reflect.
Worse than that, my body seems as if it doesn’t want to cooperate with me. I get so tired that I’m unable to focus. I SWEAR my memory is degrading and my reactions are becoming delayed. Whenever I stand up too quickly, I fall down. Everything and everyone around me is becoming a lot slower. They say: More sleep, less stress. Yeah, but if only words could heal my problems.
I could rant forever about how much my world sucks right now, but that’s not going to help me one bit. You can’t change what’s already happened. All you can do is lift your chin and strive forward. But if only time would stop. If only I could have more time to clear my head and decide what to do from here on out, then everything would just be a little easier…
HAHA, i just reread what I wrote so far and even I’m getting annoyed. Lucia, is this a happy post or a sad one? I never had the intention of making this post one-sided or profound, because isn’t the whole point of blogging just to release what’s on your mind? And right now I’m feeling a whole range of emotions- I feel lonely, but happy. Hungry and tired. Grateful and motivated. On one hand, I feel like everyone around me is enjoying their own success and leaving me behind, and on the other hand I feel like everyone is escorting me, arm-in-arm, as we continue down this yellow brick road together.
Which leads me to this. Despite it all, I’m still appreciative because things definitely could have been worse. If it weren’t for my friends, I don’t think I’d even have the motivation to get up from bed. So thanks to all those who somehow noticed something was wrong (I guess my disguise wasn’t good enough for you ;)), and was kind enough to just hold my hand (figuratively of course). Even to those who didn’t know but still allowed me to keep a smile, thank you. People like you make the world a better place. You keep the world spinning.
As for me? I’ll continue living because that’s what I do best. Just like you said to me: Put on a smile, and just go. Things will get better. :)
Today before you say an unkind word, think of someone who can’t speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food, think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife roommate, think of someone who is crying out to God for a companion. Today before you complain about life, think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before whining about the distance you drive, think of people who walk the same distance with their feet. And when you’re tired and complain about your job, think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down, put a smile on your face and think: You’re alive and still around.
I’m sitting here, trying to brainstorm ideas for my UC apps (it’s not bad to get a head start. plus, it’s my lit assignment). Anyways, I thought the words would flow out naturally.. or at least the general idea would.
But, here I am wasting my time away staring at these 2 prompts.
What is my life like? Why am I me? What made me become the person I am today? What am I proud of? And how do those achievements reflect me as an individual?
lol. I don’t know.
I guess there are a lot of different things I could write about.
But honestly, there is no single experience that can entirely display my life or who I am. Some things just can’t be written in words you know?