and there really is no one else to blame but myself. I can’t blame the situation I’m in or the people in my life. I can’t blame my stubby appearance and I can’t blame my prestigious school. I can’t blame my separated family and I can’t blame my straying friends. Happiness hasn’t escaped me. Instead, I’ve pushed it away. Those I’ve trusted are slowly leaving me - naturally - but rather than trying harder to keep them by my side, I’ve pushed them away. They say “it’s what you make out of it.” So in the end, it’s my fault and I accept that.
Yet how I managed to realize something so obvious at the most critical times… god I’m such an idiot, a really stupid idiot. So overly protective, that I built a barrier that doesn’t just block people from coming in. This stupid wall exerts an invisible force that pushes outwards. Why did I continually hope for something that I’ll never get? Did I ever stop to think: do I even deserve what I have now? Woman, you’re not living in a fairytale and you probably never will. Welcome to reality, deal with it and don’t take it for granted.
Soon you’ll leave, and when you come back, I’ll be gone to wherever college takes me. I’m scared of losing you and not telling you beforehand how much you’ve impacted my life. But at the same time, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me, so I’m excited for what you’ll experience through this journey. For the new lands you’ll explore and the new opportunities you’ll open for yourself.
I’m sorry for what I said. You’re unquestionably the closest person in my life, and I’m scared that I shattered our relationship in a way forever. But can’t you realize, that if you happened to leave me, I honestly wouldn’t be able to live? If I don’t have you, I have no one or no where else to turn to. It’s almost scary how much I rely on you, and I’m sorry I haven’t shown my appreciation. Please realize that you mean more to me than my life itself and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you happy. Please don’t allow my vulnerability and senseless words hurt you.
I’m a stupid idiot. A selfish girl who wishes for a life that I don’t even deserve. But I’m also someone, who will go through thick and thin, just to make those whom she loves, happy. I’m sorry, if I hurt you or if I pushed you away. I won’t expect a new life in college, I’ll just begin a new chapter guided by a new outlook. ^____^
and froze my ass off for almost an hour because my mom’s car broke down at the bank and none of the people I called could give me a ride T_T - now I’m sick all because I wanted one cup of PMT to wake me up.
Kelly & Nathan are going to have the best anniversary ever.